Magic of Flirting Explained: The Origin And The HowTo’s – Part 3

March 30th, 2010

 

Cues of Readiness

 

 


Flirting Looking

 

Notice the sidelong glance paired with the weak smile, the slightly sustained gaze given? And what about the mentioned move when woman tilt her head to the side a bit, exposing her soft, sensuous neck, or looking at it another way, her jugular? A man maintaining his body in an open, come-on-attack-me position, arms positioned to draw the eye to his impressive lower abdomen?

Scientists call all these little acts “contact-readiness” cues, because they indicate nonverbally that you’re prepared for physical engagement. Experts of general body language call this “nonverbal leakage.”

These cues are a crucial part of the “heterosexual relationship initiation process.” In primal terms, they’re physical signals that you don’t intend to dominate, nor do you intend to flee — both effective messages potential mates must send before they can proceed to that awkward talking phase. They’re the opening line for the opening line.

 

 

Golden Rules of Body Language

 

Don’t judge based on one thing alone. Sitting with one’s arms crossed is often perceived as a defensive, stand-off posture — but it could also mean they’re freezing cold, or hiding a freshly spilled drink on their shirt.

Don’t jump to conclusions — instead look for groups of behavior. If someone has their arms crossed and their lips are pursed disapprovingly, they’re likely on the defensive. Most experts on body language follow the Rule of 4 — look for at least 4 signals suggesting the same thing before totally believing it.

 

 


Drinking And Flirting

 

Why Married People Flirt

 

What drives many already committed people to engage in the art of woo is often not doubt, but curiosity. Flirting “is a way of testing one’s mate-value and the possibility of alternatives — actually trying to see if someone might be available as an alternative.” says Arthur Aron, professor of psychology at the State University of New York at Stony Brook.

Evolutionary biologists claim the motivations are clear — mates and offspring die — flirting is somewhat like mating insurance.

Some may flirt to bring about renewed attention from your mate, which has advantages all its own.

 

 

For Benefits

 

Flirting can be an emotional resource to gain something — not usually for money, but for the intangibles — a better table, a juicier cut of meat, a discount, or to return a purchase without any hassles. It’s a handy social lubricant, reducing the friction of everyday difficulties, more like a strategically timed tip than a romantic advance. Flirting is almost mandatory in today’s times.

 

 

Online Flirting

 

The digital scene is all words and no body language — whether online or in text messages, nuance is nearly impossible. And since text and e-mail flirting can be done without having to look people in the eye, it’s bolder, racier and unrestrained without thought on whether the message could be misinterpreted or should even be sent at all.

“Flirt texting is a topic everyone finds fascinating, although not much research is out there yet.” says Abbey. “People are often more willing to disclose intimate details via the Internet, so the process may escalate more quickly.”

A University of Florida study of 86 participants in a chat room published in Psychology Today in 2003 found that while nearly all those surveyed felt they were initially simply flirting with a computer, not a real person, nearly a third of them eventually had a face-to-face meeting with someone they chatted with. All but 2 of the couples who met went on to have an affair.

Whether the people who eventually cheated went to the site with the intention of doing so or got drawn in by the fantasy of it all wasn’t clear.

 

 


Flirting Table

 

Affairs

 

Many people who flirt off-line aren’t typically looking for an affair. But one of the things about married flirting is that it has a much greater degree of danger and fantasy to it. The stakes are high and risks are great, even if the likelihood of anything happening is slim. But for some, it’s a highly addictive drug.

Therapists say that people who cheat are often not so much dissatisfied with their spouse as with themselves and the way their lives have turned out. There is little that feels more affirming and revitalizing than having someone fall in love with you — and little that feels less affirming than being cheated on.

 

 

Safety on Dates

 

If you’re cyber dating, using the personals or a dating agency, it’s a good idea to arrange to meet for coffee or lunch rather than dinner. Not only are you safer in the day but you don’t waste time if it doesn’t work. Don’t lead anyone on if they’re not your fancy — which might turn into stalking — by being polite in saying “You’re a lovely person, but unfortunately, not what I was looking for.”

Stick to an area that’s well lit with plenty of people around. Better yet, meet in a place where you’re known so the person you’re with can be identified. Talk to the waiter / waitress so it’s obvious you’ve been seen with them.

Don’t invite strangers to your home and don’t go to theirs until you know them very well. Trust your gut instinct and listen carefully to their relationship history.

Give the details of your date to several friends — where you’ll be, the time you’ll meet, the person’s name, phone number and address. Get them to phone you an hour into the date to check you’re OK, and phone them a few hours later to report in again.

 

 

And to Conclude…

 

Yet through all our coquettish gestures, anyone who’s raised its eyebrows at a cop knows that flirting is not always intended to seal the deal. Flirting can be a default mechanism when we want to get something for nothing (a better table at a restaurant, another free cocktail on the airplane, a shortcut in line) or a comfortable and fun way to interact with new people. And it’s certainly not reserved just for people we want to mate with; married people flirt with no adulterous intentions and platonic flirting happens all the time. Flirting opens windows of potential and can peak curiosity about what might happen, but it also leaves us with the ability to walk away, no harm done. It is an elixir, a way of feeling more alive, more vital, and more desirable without actually endangering the happiness of anyone you love. If you like what was described in this article, then go ahead and flirt — as long as you can do it responsibly and without hurting anyone.

 

 


Flirting Talk

 

Sources:


Link 1,  Link 2,  Link 3,  Link 4

 

 



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Magic of Flirting Explained: The Origin And The HowTo’s – Part 2

March 30th, 2010

 

The Flirting Triangle


Flirting Glance

 

When we look at people we’re unfamiliar with such as in a business situation, our eyes make a zig-zag motion — we look from eye to eye and across the bridge of the nose.

With friends, the look drops below eye level and moves into a triangle shape — we look from eye to eye and down to include the nose and mouth.

Once flirting begins, the triangle gets larger — it widens at the bottom to include parts of the body. The more intense the flirting, the more intensely we look from eye to eye — and the more time we spend looking at their mouth.

It can be highly seductive when someone’s watching your mouth while you’re talking to them. It could be they’re fantasizing what it would be like to kiss you. A word of caution — don’t be overly overt in this method or you’ll only succeed at relaying a subliminal message of being a sexual predator to a female.

 

 

Read My Lips

 

Like a lioness presenting herself to a mate, women will arch their backs and show off their hips to indicate fertility. Though I hate the stereotype of a giggly, doe-eyed blonde, women laugh and open their eyes wide not because they’re ditzy, but because it conveys an image of surrender and youth. While both men and women will make prolonged eye contact with people they’re interested in, a woman might also lick her lips, helping to bring visual attention to the mouth. If someone is staring at your lips he may be thinking of how to kiss them.

Though a man might not pound his chest like Tarzan while in a crowd, it’s only because of social constraints. He’s still trying to put forth his strong jaw, an indicator of high testosterone levels, and spread his arms and chest to look muscular and strong. Yet he doesn’t want to look too strong or threatening, so he laughs and smiles frequently. Confident and powerful enough to protect his brood; nice enough not to harm the doe.

 

 

Mirroring – Monkey See, Monkey Do

 

This is what separates a competent flirt from an expert — nothing will bond you more effectively than mirroring someone’s behavior. Together, both sexes take part in mirroring, tending to sit or stand in similar positions, or pick up a drink at the same time. When one person leans in, another will do the same if it likes what it’s seeing. The theory behind this is that people are drawn to others who are like them. We like people who are like us. If someone is doing what we’re doing, we feel they’re on the same level and mood as we are. You should only mirror positive body language, ie. if person picks its nose, put the mirror down. Also, try not to imitate the person. Point is just to capture the meaning and do things the way that is natural to you.

 


Flirting Open

 

Pointing

 

We also tend to point or gesture toward our object of desire. This means feet, hands, or the entire body will subconsciously be pointed toward him or her, opening up a line of physical—and hopefully verbal—communication.

If you have your eye on someone across the room, point your body in their direction — even if you don’t make eye contact, they may take the hint.

 

 

The Eyebrow Flash

 

When we first see someone we’re attracted to our eyebrows rise and fall, and they’ll do the same if they’re equally attracted. Watch closely and carefully, because it only lasts about a fifth of a second.

It’s an unconscious gesture replicated by every culture on the planet. Some experts claim it’s the most instantly recognized non-verbal sign of greeting we humans use.

 

 

Blinking

 

If someone likes what they see, their pupil size increases, as does their blink rate.

Being the expert flirt you are, up the odds in your favor by increasing the blink rate of the person you’re talking to by blinking more yourself. If the person likes you, they’ll unconsciously try to match your blink rate to keep in sync with you, in turn making you both feel more attracted to one another.

 


Flirting Street

 



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Magic of Flirting Explained: The Origin And The HowTo’s

March 30th, 2010

 

Why And How We Flirt

 


Flirting - Whisper

 

One of the reasons we flirt is that we just can’t help ourselves — we’re programmed to do it by biology or culture. It’s so natural, we barely even notice we do it. Tilting a head to expose the neck, smiling or laughing at something that really wasn’t funny, moving closer to the person making unfunny jokes, mimicking their actions. Our body language is perhaps the most subtle expression of what we’re really thinking and feeling, and is a crucial component of the courting dance known as flirting. The Max Planck Institute in Germany filmed African tribes in the 1960’s and found that the African women did the exact same prolonged stare followed by a head tilt away with a little smile that he saw in America.

Though cheesy pick-up lines abound, a lot is conveyed even before words are uttered. A prolonged gaze or arched eyebrow gives clues to the person across the bar that you’re interested without having to explicitly ask about his/her sign. Though the statistics differ, some attribute almost 80 percent of our first impressions to our stance and swagger. Most experts agree it takes between 90 seconds and 4 minutes to decide if we’re attracted to someone.

 

55% of the impression we perceive from someone is through our body language.

33% is from the tone, speed and nuance of our voice.

Only 7% is from what we’re actually saying.


 

And because flirting helps both animals and humans find mates faster and easier, it is an evolutionary trait hard-wired in our brains. Mice twitch their noses at potential mates, colorful peacocks strut around for admiring peahens, and pigeons puff their chests to look buff. As much as we have moved on from mice and feathers, we do much of the same, for the exact same reasons.

Some evolutionary biologists suggest that those who were pros at flirting maneuvers were more successful in quickly finding a mate and reproducing, and that the behavior therefore became widespread in all humans. “A lot of people feel flirting is part of the universal language of how we communicate, especially nonverbally.” says Jeffry Simpson, director of the social psychology program at the University of Minnesota.

Simpson is currently studying the roles that attraction and flirting play during different times of a woman’s ovulation cycle. His research suggests that women who are ovulating are more attracted to flirty men. “The guys they find appealing tend to have characteristics that are attractive in the short term, which include some flirtatious behaviors.” he says.

He’s not sure why women behave this way, but it follows that men who have sex with ovulating women have a greater chance of procreating and passing on those flirty genes. But this is an unconscious choice, just as flirting isn’t always intentional. “With a lot of it, especially the nonverbal stuff, people may not be fully aware that they’re doing it.” says Simpson. “You don’t see what you look like. People may emit flirtatious cues and not be fully aware of how powerful they are.”

But for the rest of you, you know who you are. Once you move into the verbal phase of flirting, it’s pretty much all intentional.

Flirtation is a game we play — a dance in which everyone knows the moves. “People can flirt outrageously without intending anything.” says Timothy Perper, who’s been researching flirting for 30 years. “Flirting captures the interest of the other person and says ‘Would you like to play?”

The uncertainty of flirting is one of the most exhilarating things about the game. “Flirting opens a window of potential. Not yes, not no.” says Perper. “So we engage ourselves in this complex game of maybe.” The game is anything but new — the first published guide on how to flirt was written about 2,000 years ago, Perper says, by author Ovid.

Once we’ve learned the game of maybe, it becomes second nature to us. Long after we need to play it, we’re still occupied by it because we’re better at it than at other games, and sometimes it becomes a social fallback position.

“We all learn rules for how to behave in certain situations, and this makes it easier for people to know how to act, even when nervous.” says Antonia Abbey, a psychology professor at Wayne State University.

Just as we learn a kind of script for how to behave in a restaurant or at a business meeting, she suggests, we learn a script for talking to the opposite sex. “We often enact these scripts without even thinking.” she says. “For some women and men, the script may be so well learned that flirting is a comfortable strategy for interacting with others.” In other words, when in doubt, we flirt.


Flirting Club

 

Genetic Peacockery

 

Because flirting is an easy way for us to display our genes, mating potential, and interest, nature put a lot toward its success. This is one of the reasons why some males birds have exotic plumes, why elk carry hefty antlers (a sign of a healthy immune system), and why male fiddler crabs have such large claws. He waves his in the air, alerting females to his whereabouts, and signaling them to come closer for a better look at his burrow, colorful shell, and flashy claw.

Much in the same way, we’re physically programmed to indicate interest almost before we mentally have a say in it. Slight actions reveal a lot. Stance, eye movement, and gestures like leaning forward to talk to the person, or quick eyebrow raises are what scientists call contact engagement, signaling to the other mammal that you’re prepared for things to potentially get physical.

 

Moves Send Messages

 

By studying humans in their natural courting habitat (usually bars), scientists have been able to document the movements we make when we’re interested in someone else. As it turns out, we’re all quite predictable. A woman smiles, raises her eyebrows, opens her eyes wide, holds a gaze, fidgets with her hair, lowers and tilts her head, and laughs. A man might jut out his chin, try to make his chest appear as large as possible, unconsciously flex an arm, laugh aloud, and smile. But what do all these ridiculous gestures mean?

By comparing our actions with those of animals, it becomes clear that moves have messages. A woman tilts her head and shows off her neck as a sign of vulnerability and submission. Dogs do this all the time. When a male dog is approach, female dog turns her head and flattens her ears as if to say, “I’m a lover, not a fighter. Don’t bite.” The male dog naturally assumes the taller, dominant stance. Female also steals sideways glances, just as we do when flirting, to show she’s demure and hard to get, yet interested.


Flirting Juice

 



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